As of recent, it has become apparent to me that I am finding it harder and harder to love others.

To contextualize, this ‘love’ doesn’t refer to an ambiguous love for the general republic. It doesn’t refer to a love for humans as a species, nor does it refer to a love for emerging trends in popular media (eg in a sentence; I love that anime.) It also doesn’t refer to romantic love.

Here, I want to be very clear that I’m talking about Christian love, easily defined as a love for other Christians and non-Christians alike. In the Christian context, this ‘love’ is one modelled after the Lord Jesus Christ.

Now that I’ve opened with that caveat, let’s return to the topic at hand.

As of late, I’ve realized that I no longer have a Christ-like love for others. (Of course, I can’t ever fully attain such a perfect, selfless, gracious form of love, in this life at least. That’s the immeasurable ocean that separates a depraved, finite mortal like myself from the perfect, infinite son of God himself. Yet, by the mercy and kindness of the Father and the redeeming death of the Son, He sent the Holy Spirit, who daily, regenerates my heart, giving me a heart that desires to love the things He loves, and hate the things the Lord hates.) Yet, I have realized that over the past 4 months of 2021, starting from my enlistment on 5th January 2021, and threading through my 2.5 months in BMT and my 1 month in SCS, my love for scripture and prayer has diminished. What was once incredibly pleasing to me has now become unappetizing and stale at best. While I can go for YF and Church service on the weekends for the fellowship with other brothers and sisters in Christ, I can’t seem to muster a love for the Father that burned as brightly as it did in 2019 and 2020.

Then a few days back, I realized this.

While NS might seem to be the catalyst for my diminishing love for God, it really is an excuse.

If ALL of creation is to proclaim the glory and magnificence of the Father, and if His law is to be etched upon my heart, then I cannot profess ignorance or ascribe blame to any outside factor for my fall in faith. Really, above everything else, this slump in my walk with God arises from pride, a toxic self-sufficiency, and a hatred for God’s law. I might sound like I’m exaggerating, but let me assure you, I don’t think I am at all.

Throughout BMT and SCS, even as there have been times where I cannot do QT or my bible reading because of the packed schedule, there have also been more than sufficient slots of admin time that I could have used. Logically, if I loved something or someone, I would do anything to attain it, or to develop the relationship with that person by meeting them more. Thus, my unwillingness to read Scripture, to pray and commune with God, to even think about applying his law as a guiding light for my life in NS, must arise from a lack of love for God. In turn, a lack of love for God results in a selfish attitude and a lack of love for others. While I can maintain the facade of being caring on the outside, my heart knows full well that I do not truly ‘love’ others as Christ loves.

As my brother Jared Yip once reminded me of, while ‘any other sin can make you experience brokenness that drives you to repentance’, ‘pride only hardens us’. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this quote before, but it remains as true and applicable as when I first encountered it. For myself, I had to be emptied entirely for myself to see the need for a savior.

John Owens quote incoming.

"Do you mortify sin in your life? Do you make it your daily work?… Do not miss a day from it. You need to be killing sin, or it will be killing you.”

Truly, it’s the Father’s mercy and faithfulness that saves me from the jaws of hell itself. Even admits all my stupidity, stubbornness and backsliding, the Lord’s grace and mercy is more than enough. His patience isn’t an excuse for me to continue sinning, rather it’s cinder for the crackling embers of my weary heart, fuel that drives me to embrace the loving patience of the eternal Father.

Thank God for friends who point me away from myself, and charge me with being accountable to Him alone. (To Kris and Yip, if you’re reading this, thank you).

Another Jonathan Edwards quote incoming.

"The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much in the same way as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect, over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked; His wrath towards you burns like fire; He looks upon you as worthy of nothing else but to be cast into the fire; He is of purer eyes than to bear to have you in His sight; you are ten thousand times more abominable in His eyes than the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours. You have offended Him infinitely more than ever a stubborn rebel did his prince; and yet, it is nothing but His hand that holds you from falling into the fire every moment.”

Brothers and Sisters in Christ, it’s been a real topsy-turvy journey over the past 4 months. In times like these, I remember the first memory verse I ever properly memorized in 2019, from my father’s youth fellowship pamphlet from 1986.

Luke 9:23

And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow Me.”

Through it all, it’s the Lord’s amazing grace, steadfast love and everlasting righteousness coupled with patience, that holds me. He knows my drastic need for a savior. He knows the despicable wickedness of my heart. He knows my pride and sickening hypocrisy. He knows of my worthlessness. He has every right to cast me to the depths of Hell to suffer His just wrath for all eternity.

Yet, He calls a fool like me His child. For this, the Lord is worthy of all praise and worship.

To end off, I think this season reminded me again of His wisdom and sovereign plan, which He set in place before the foundation of time. The Lord knew of my complacency in my faith journey in 2019 to 2020. In His mercy, He broke me apart over the past 4 months, to show me the need to return to the loving Father, who apart from, I have nothing. With Him, I have everything I could ever need.

Truly, praise the Father and the Son. While I can’t discern the future, heck- I can hardly tell the time without my watch- I know the Father is merciful and loving. As the stubborn ingrate I am, He will provide me with all grace, so that in any battle and hardship, I will overcome through His strength. In doing so, all honor and praise be offered as a fragrant offering to the Holy one, that all may be made of Him, and nothing be made of me.

Praise God.

Soli Deo Gloria