Hey you! Yes you, the one reading this on their phone/ laptop/ google glass (yes, I checked, its not ‘google glasses’, it’s ‘google glass’). Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this blog post.

For the OGs who’ve stuck with me from the start, the heading of this post might seem slightly familiar. For those who don’t recognize it, no worries.

To contextualize, long before I came to create this WordPress site, I used a shoddy (but reliable) alternative known as ‘site123’. Many of you have likely never heard of this website hosting service, and for good reason. In a market with numerous other alternatives (Wix, Blogspot, Squarespace etc), site123 likely has little to no standing in the public consciousness. Regardless, it was a fun time experimenting with how, and why, I wanted to write, and I enjoyed putting my thoughts on a platform I could look back on. (Also, for those interested in some lore, I first came up with the name of this current blog “Under His Grace” back in 2020 when I created my site123 page, which can be viewed here.)

Not long afterward, I shifted to tumblr, where I created “bloggong“. Not long after, I shifted here, where I hope to stay. Anyway, my tumblr is where this specific blogpost originates from. Hoping to give this post I wrote back then a wider audience, I’m effectively using my current platform here @ WordPress to repost it. I hope you all don’t mind, I promise this won’t be a common occurrence.

Just as a bit of a foreword, my decision to repost this tumblr post from 30th January 2021 resulted from me realizing that, despite 4 months having passed since I typed this, it still remains true today. Not only for myself as I train to become a 3rd Sergeant in NS, but also for my friends and close ones, those preparing for University, those working, and those waiting upon any number of these things. Regardless, I pray that by His grace, we will all submit to the Lamb, who reigns over all that is, for everything we say and do is ultimately made for His glory alone.

The poison of self-reliance

David A. Powlison

“Here is the sweet paradox in how God works. He blesses those who admit that they need help: The poor in spirit are blessed (Matthew 5:3). Sanity has a deep awareness, I need help. I can’t do life right on my own. Someone outside me must intervene. The sanity of honest humility finds mercy, life, peace, and strength. By contrast, saying we don’t need help keeps us stuck on that hamster wheel of making excuses and blaming others. The end result isn’t life and peace; it’s self-righteousness, self-justification, alienation, and bitterness.”

In keeping with the times, I’m starting this post with a David Powlison quote. While I hadn’t actually heard of this man till a sermon this morning during YF (courtesy of a mentor who shall remain anonymous), this quote had the same brick-to-the-face impact as a good’ol Paul Washer sermon.

To quote my brother in Christ Mr Yip, “any other sin can make you experience brokenness that drives you to repentance” but “pride only hardens us”.

Alright, I’ve my quota of 2 QUOTES for now. Will check in with another quote in a bit!

To contextualize a bit, given the aggressive header for this blog post (which I promise I will get to in due time), it has been around 3 weeks since I’ve started my journey as a NSF (ie. full-time National Serviceman) on Pulau Tekong. In this time, I’ve learnt many things, but for the sake of conciseness, I’ll condense it down to the following point.

1. To be responsible, one must be devoted to duty and not themselves.

This statement, which if you examine closely, actually contains the distilled intention of the SAF, of prioritizing our duty to our nation over our own selfish gain, isn’t inherently wrong. In fact, most would argue it is a noble thing to cherish the safety of your country and your loved ones over your own comfort and pleasure. So why am I bringing this up? And what does this have to do with self-reliance being toxic? Let me try to explain this in the best way I can. Through the now countless hours I’ve spent rushing up and down the four flights of stairs in Smart 4/ Long 4/ Admin Kit/ PT kit, my LBS clamping my hip bone, my helmet whacking the edge of my fog-tinted spectacles, as my right hand hovers over my half-filled water canteen and I frantically check to ensure my admin bottle is filled, I have realized that one thing the SAF (and UG in general) ingrains in every soldier is the need to be responsible. The unspoken rules of Rocky Hill School 4 Coy 1 are as follows.

Take care of yourself. Don’t be a burden to those around you. Maintain your personal bearings first.

Help those around you who need help.

The betterment of the section/ platoon/ company holds higher priority than the needs of any individual recruit. Don’t be selfish.

By the Lord’s manifold grace and infinite mercies, I have not had any major screwups that have resulted in my section or platoon having to pump as of yet. Perhaps my UG background prepared me partially for the punishments we have had to endure so far, but only by His grace have I been able to get all my tasks finished as of now.

Here’s the issue though.

With the limited admin time we are given in School 4, sometimes limited to 20 minutes every night before lights out, having to shower, do laundry, prepare for the next day’s attire, ensure all items are accounted for, set alarm and numerous other things, I have become a very task-focused creature.

In efficiently finishing tasks delegated to me, I begin to get annoyed with those around who who are unable to do what has been asked of them. When we are made to pump, I get angry at those who are slower than myself. And above all, I realize that in the rank-centric ego-heavy atmosphere of the SAF, self-reliance and one’s physical abilities largely contribute to one’s self-identity. So when, by God’s grace, I attain Gold for IPPT, I don’t give Him glory (or at least, I fail to publicly express it.) Effectively, I fail to live up to the mantle of what Christians are to live for, namely, to the praise of God’s glory.

In the quiet moments of the morning when my phone softly buzzes me awake, I no longer contemplate God’s grace and love in giving me another day of life. Instead, I plan for the day, I try and prepare as best as I can, and I do not commit any of it to God.

In the conduct-laden weeks filled with multiple high keys, I find lesser time to give thanks, and spend my days complaining, mindlessly bantering or stoning. These days, talking nonsense seems much more attractive to me than reading His word. Using my phone to read webtoons is more alluring than opening the Solid Joys app.

Again and again, I am a stubborn child who has been shown the overwhelming sweetness of the love of the Father, yet I remain content chewing on the rotten carcasses of my ego. Spending time in NS has (again), shown me more of who I really am under the weak facade I keep up.

Really, I know what the issue is. At the end of the day, it is one of personal pride. What I need more is not confidence or self-esteem. To the contrary, I need a more accurate view of my place in the Universe. I need to see myself as lesser, and the Father as more.

IF anything, I need LESSER confidence in my own worth, and GREATER confidence in the sovereign irresistible grace of the Father.

Truly, the Lord is sovereign, His will will be done. All things WILL be accomplished for His glory, and for His name to be lifted high.

And it is a marvelous, beautiful, awesome privilege that a hell-deserving, forgetful, evil wretch like myself would be claimed as a child of the thrice Holy God, redeemed by the blood of the Lamb, and sanctified daily by the powerful work of the Holy Spirit.

This isn’t simply information. This is good news, tear-jerking, mind-eviscerating news for a wretch who before, had nothing to look forward to but an eternity of suffering under the wrath of a righteous judge.

For someone who has done nothing of worth or value his entire life, it immediately becomes clear to me when something of value appears. And here, the infinite worth of the eternal life bought for me by the death of the Son of God himself is something I cannot hope to repay, nor is it something my feeble mind can comprehend without God’s grace.

AND so here’s the crux of the matter.

I need to again, be humbled to a point of absolute brokenness. I have to realize that, when faced with all my inadequacies, I am not simply looking at a part of myself that I have failed to ‘train’. Rather, I’m looking at a reflection of my true self.

To quote Pastor Paul Washer, “On that day when He comes again, He will pluck all things, all men’s talents, all the best of the human race, and grab it with one hand and exclaim, ‘This is ALL FOR ME’”.

I have to again remember that not only is my faith, all of life, heck, even the whole universe, sustained by Sovereign grace, that all of this is for His glory alone. ONLY through this can I be turned away from pride, idolatry, and anything that does not point to the blazing heart of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I must become less, so that He may be made much of.

Brothers and Sisters in Christ, please keep me in your prayers. Even as I have anxiety for the 2 weeks of Field Camp coming up next week, I am even more worried that as I return to BMTC tomorrow, I again spiral into the toxicity of self-reliance.

That I am foolish enough to consider myself of more worth and more grit than those around me, just because God has graciously bestowed me with experiences that are meant to be used for HIS glory.

I pray that in the coming 2 weeks, as more grace may be shown to me by the Lord, that I may in turn be more gracious to those around me. That I may be less selfish with my time. That I may prize others above myself, but that I may prize Christ as even more valuable than precious gold, or anything else in this life. That I may watch my tongue, that it will not slander with falsehood or callous word, that everything I say and do may point to the Holy, Righteous, Merciful, Loving, eternal Lord I worship.

To end, I want to share a short conversation I had with Peter Goh over whatsapp today. It went something like this:

I’m worried. I fear my heart if calloused and blind to my own sin, that I no longer fear the Lord. I fear I no longer treasure His eternal promises and worth above the world. But in equal measure, I will cherish His promises in His word.

Brothers and Sisters, even as I stake my claim not in my own inadequacy, but I take greater confidence in the Father’s ability to turn a wretch like me (again!) toward Him and transform my heart of stone into one of flesh, keep me in prayer. Over these two weeks, I pray I may glorify Him by His supplication alone. Praise the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Truly, all to Him I freely give, for the all surpassing worth of the Lord Jesus Christ. I pray I can start the short book Pastor Razo gave me ‘The practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence” and Greg’s 60-day “Daily reading devotionals” as well, such that when I have my passing out parade, I may take greater confidence in His mercy, grace and love.

Thomas Watson

“It was wonderful love that Christ should rather die for us than for the angels that fell. They were creatures of a more noble extract, and in all probability might have brought greater revenues of glory to God; yet that Christ should pass by those golden vessels, and make us clods of earth into stars of glory – Oh, the hyperbole of Christ’s love!”

AND

Thomas Watson

“The more bitterness we taste in sin, the more sweetness we shall taste in Christ.”

SO

Romans 3:23

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

AND

Psalm 115:1

Not to us, Lord, not to us,

But to Your name give glory,

Because of your mercy, because of Your truth.

Praise God, for He is worthy of all praise and worship, and all things.

Soli Deo Gloria.