Reinvention is always fun.

It starts with Mac Miller.

Mac is a great musician. He was afflicted with addiction and anxiety for most of his later years.

After listening to his song, “Ladders”, on his 2018 album “Swimming”, I deleted social media for good in 2020 (some days I still go back and listen to “Swimming”, it’s such a good album). I thought doing so would give me back my time and help me become less anxious.

It worked, kind of.

I did end up becoming less anxious over likes and follows and keeping up with everyone online. I also ended up losing friends because of the lack of intentional contact on my end and theirs.

I did not get my time back though. Instead, I found a way to replace one addiction to social media with another. In place of Instagram, I found YouTube.

At the peak of my content consumption post-army and pre-university, I stumbled upon James Scholz.

For those fortunate enough not to be absorbed by YouTube and its all-consuming algorithm, James Scholz is a fantastic YouTuber that does “study-with-me” livestreams, alongside being a prominent figure within the productivity cum self-improvement sphere of the platform. Notably however, what first drew me to his channel were the following three striking observations.

1. James Scholz is around my age.
2. None of his content is sponsored.
3. He studies Computer Engineering and applied Computer Science.

Not all of the above points are individually that important, but suffice it to say I bought into a lot of his mindset with regards to productivity, self-expression and confidence in the face of opposition. When taken within the context of red-pill Andrew Tate / Joe Rogan / Jordan Peterson media being pushed right now however, this unhelpfully and inevitably saw Scholz’s content categorised as a diminished part of the “unf*cking my brain” movement.

To be honest, I’m not going to come here and say that any of the above actors are entirely wrong in their opinions either. Really, none of them are necessarily sharing harmful messages either (maybe besides some of Tate’s views on women). As will soon appear as a recurring trend in this essay, the issue therefore lies with me, here in terms of how I chose to interpret and apply this brand of content to my life.

Here’s what I did in my attempts to follow in Scholz’s footsteps.

1. I sold my PC.
2. I reworked my room setup for maximum focus.
3. I got a pocket notebook and fountain pen.

In the end, I did not become the productivity monster I thought I would be. I ended up trading my computer games addiction for an insatiable hunger for validation from the world and an emptiness that would warp and malform within me for a month or so, until a question would reach me.

The question was “Where the hell am I going?”

I can pinpoint the exact moment this question struck me as well. It was mid-return home from CSP one Saturday, when I was pushed from my place of complacency regarding my degree choice in SMU by a discussion with a friend. I still recall my mind was in pieces that day because I was to fly off to Thailand for a ‘fun’ trip with friends that same night.

While I had heard the opinion of many the senior over the past year regarding the shakiness (and insufficiency) of holding a Computing and Law degree, I had largely resigned myself to waiting it out and ‘seeing how’. Specifically, seeing how things went and whether opportunities opened up. In fact, it was precisely this attitude that I felt was under attack when I heard that some of my classmates were planning ahead and looking to alternative course choices.

Maybe the more appropriate honest description is that I felt disturbed.

“Why do people want to move on and grow up so fast?”, I remember thinking as the noisy MRT glided along the Purple Line and the doors screeched open at Serangoon station.

“Can’t they just enjoy what they’re learning in school and not have to rush and stress over everything?”

In hindsight, I can see the irony of my past self. There my classmates were, looking to the future and taking the necessary steps to ensure they were benefiting their learning and careers, and here I was grumbling that they didn’t want to ‘enjoy’ learning.

It’s wholly possible to be doing a lot and achieve nothing meaningful.

It’s also entirely realistic to do nothing and accomplish nothing.

Obviously there was nothing wrong with the decisions and plans my classmates had with regard to pursuing further education in certain fields. Neither was there anything wrong with those who might choose the same path as I had then, to relax and cruise along in my current course until opportunities arose.

Really, it was the nagging itch of jealousy and anxiety that I was confusing complacency with contentment in my own life that provoked the near knee-jerk grumbling from me. Once again, I was warping something wholly good and taking it the wrong way.

We’ve finally reached me in the present day. I’ve now walked on this path of confusion so long that I’ve gotten skilled, even excellent at fooling those around me into thinking I know what I’m doing, and where my life is headed to. In reality, I’m deadly scared of change, and wish I could keep learning forever. I don’t desire going into the working world and endowing myself with a tie and dress shoes.

Sorry that there isn’t a satisfying conclusion to tie this essay together. I have no grand epiphany or hero’s journey character arc that loops back to neatly seal this piece. I am still working and learning to be better each day.

Here’s what I am learning though.

1. To love those around me more, and treasure them (and time with them) above myself.
2. To love God, which means living in a way that pleases Him.
3. Going offline might not be a bad thing.
4. It’s okay to be disliked if its for the important reasons.
5. Say less and mean more.

I fail at these things everyday. But that’s okay, as long as I keep trying.

I’m tired of all the noise, I want to know who I am again.

I’ll update you all when I’ve found myself. Until then, stay safe and pray for each other.

Godspeed.