The beginning

“I’m tired.”

That was the first congruent thought I’ve had in a while.

“Okay, time to write… I guess.”

I squeeze open my scruffy eyelids to reveal a pair of bloodshot eyes.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

The analogue clock in the dining room is unusually loud tonight.

WHOOOSH.

The standing fan is only at speed 1, how is it so loud?

“Write. Write. WRITE NOW YOU LAZY TURD!”

I scurry to my laptop.

A small click. Then another.

I press the power button again and again, no shift in the pallor of the troubling grey screen that sits before me.

Klik. Klik. Klik.

Two minutes go by.

“Oh, it’s out of batt.”

Plug in the charging cable. On the plug. Now you wait. You wait, like the idiot you are.

“Wait… but why must I write? Why today, out of all days?”

Don’t question it. If you want to get good at something, you need to do it more. Put in the work, get critique. Grow. Become better. Don’t let them look down on you. Want to stand out? Then work. Work until you get what you want.

“…okay.”

Laptop screen flashes on. The ‘hp’ logo appears, a swirling mass of small white spheres converging and exfoliating in flux as my laptop whirrs on.

Fsssss.

The laptop’s internal fan stirs to life.

“Hm. Tonight’s particularly noisy”

The commentary begins, proper

Okay. That’s enough navel-gazing introspective nonsense for one night.

To quickly cut to the meat of this post, I’ve spent much of the past week reflecting on the malaise of mundanity that my daily experience has grown into.

In Stagmont camp, I spend my time reading manga, playing brawl stars, and browsing a confused assemblage of curated media on instagram. Even as I want to comment, who am I to talk when I too seem to inevitably subscribe to the self-aggrandising rot that seems to drive our convenient consumption of filtered jpeg files.

Here’s what seems to be the root, or at least what I think is the root, of the troubling melanage of anxiety and boredom that has crept into my heart and nested beneath my eyes.

Over the past few months, especially since NS started, I have grown increasingly accustomed to consuming disposable media.

Perhaps this is a result of the nature of NS, wherein limited spurts of admin time pepper our day, preventing me from starting a documentary or full-length book that would otherwise satiate my interest.

Instead, I turn to quick fixes of endorphin. These days, my prerogative is seeking out small pockets of mind-numbing enjoyment, with much of the entertainment I consume providing said mindless fun that is ultimately devoid of concrete meaning or purpose. Sure, I might hit a new tier in brawl stars, or read up about the complex backstory of @streetworkout’s Instagram handle, but ultimately, these are just synapses that simulate progress. Much like electric pulses delivered by a generator, I laugh, cringe, smile, snort and frown in consortium to the whims of my worst impulses.

I might ‘feel’ like I’ve gained more by reading up about these fruitless things, but really, I’ve wasted time, and found myself another excuse to enjoy the feeling of faux progress and pseudo-growth without any commitment or consequence.

This issue that I’ve been facing, is hopefully one that you can’t relate to. To be frank, while I can blame NS for exacerbating the problem, it’s evident to me that the root of this issue lies in me indulging myself tirelessly in the comfort zone.

It’s funny. It really is. When it comes to exercise, the last thing I want is to reside in said comfort zone. I go out of my way to make myself uncomfortable, to push past the last rep, to work till failure, all to maximise muscle growth and allow for subsequent recovery.

Yet, my diatribe toward my own failures and weaknesses is not my attempt to justify my inability to commit to consuming (be it reading or watching) and making an active effort to understand a piece of media. Rather, I wish to go for the jugular and nip this at the bud, before it becomes any worse.

Yes. I admit, it’s easy to joke around with words like “haha my mind is rotting in NS lol”, but in actuality, that might be what is happening right now. This issue necessitates action, and after reflection, it’s my proclivity to lounge around in my mental comfort zone, consuming media that stimulates just enough neurological action to qualify as “invigorating” without forcing myself to reflect upon any of its actual ramifications upon myself or those around me, that I’ve developed this laziness. I also propose, to an extent, that in my exploration of meme culture and general ‘wokeness’, I’ve developed such a level of ironic distance between myself and the world around me, that I can no longer process any information with any degree of seriousness.

OOf. Ignore my spiel. I apologise for the mess that has been this post. I do ask for one thing though, if everything else here is forgotten.

Brothers and Sisters in Christ, please keep me in prayer. That I will learn to use my time in NS properly, both in reading the Bible, saturating myself in prayer and His word, alongside growing in my understanding of those who have many more years than me in the faith, reading how they walked with Him in obedience and under His grace. Pray for me, that I will be kept humble, and like the stubborn child I am, will be broken apart again and again for His grace to be made abundantly clear to me and those around me, that by His mercy and love, His name will be raised up, as He becomes everything and I become lesser and less.

Thank you, Father Lord, for your gracious, sovereign hand, that keeps me from your wrath, and the blood of your son, the Lord Jesus Christ, who bled on that wretched cross 2,000 years ago on Calvary, that I might be deemed righteous, and by faith through grace in the Son that the Father resurrected, I might now be given a heart of flesh to replace my heart of stone. That this calloused, foolish, sinful waywardness of mine may give way to a heart that learns to love what the Father loves, and hate what He hates, such that I will do what pleases Him, and all for His glory alone.

Praise God. By His grace, may I take up His cross daily, to honor Him, for He is deserving of all worship and devotion.

Lamentations 3:22-23

The Lord’s acts of mercy indeed do not end, for His compassions do not fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

Luke 9:23

And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow Me.

Soli Deo Gloria.